Life's a Drag, and You're a Drug
by Jacthine
Summary: Ivan had failed; miserably, if he had any say in it. And now thanks to his failure, he is forced into the very place where he was desperate to stay away from. A psych ward, filled with the drugged up teenagers who are like him yet estranged all the same. He believes that the only way to be truly happy is to die, but can an angel with the mouth of a devil convince him otherwise?


**AN: **I decided to write down a quick idea I've had for a while now. But, just as a warning, this is gonna have a lot of triggers, examples being suicide, self harm, eating disorders, and just a lot of shit that would generally make people sad or stuff. These are all based on experiences I've had myself. I used to be just like this, went to the psych ward and everything. I **do not** condone any of the behavior in this fic that would be harmful to yourself or others, it is purely for the sake of the fic.

I'm really sorry for even writing this. I made myself sad while doing it, so I hope the same doesn't go with you guys. Notes at the bottom as well for any asterisks!

* * *

It was late at night when they got to the building - 11:39 pm. It was all lit up, a white flame among the darkness of the town he couldn't care less about. The world was in black and white save for the ambulance lights still flashing their consistent pattern of red, white, blue, red, white, blue, red, white, blue… Ivan had taken the pattern to memory, the only thing keeping him sane during the car ride the activity of watching if the lights would ever change.

One hour and one car ride later, and he found out they didn't.

His sisters were beside him, the two of them, and he could hear the faint sound of his oldest sister crying softly. It was like a roar in his ears, drowning out whatever the paramedics were saying to them. As for his younger, she stood stoically, as always, a death grip on the gurney despite the workers' warnings. With one glare she got them to back off and leave her be, and Ivan found himself wanting to smile at the fact.

The chill of the night followed them as he was rolled up to the entrance. Upon closer inspection, he could see the large letters that displayed the name of the building. _Happy Endings_, it said, the smaller lettering below it reading _Outpatient Psychiatric Hospital and Therapeutic Center. _Ivan almost laughed at it, instead choosing to internally sigh as he was wheeled into the building. Happy endings weren't for anyone who stepped foot inside the building.

The paramedics mentioned something about the owner - Ivan wasn't listening - and left them to wait in a lobby of sorts. The inside was fairly warm, in all senses of the word; the lighting had an orange tint to it, and paintings of flowers and such littered the walls, which were a nice cream color. He had to give them an A for effort, because even though it looked homely, it didn't do much to calm his or his sister's nerves.

Speaking of which, there were now two at his sides; the older one, Katyushka, looked to be doing all she could to make sure it didn't look like she was crying. She failed miserably. The younger, Natalia, just kept a tight grip on both the gurney and the blanket that covered him, a hard glare gracing her otherwise pretty face. Ivan always did like it best when she smiled…

"Oh, Vanka*, I really hope this is for the best…" Katyushka whispered, her voice hoarse and shaky, making it painfully obvious just how she really felt. She placed a hand on the side of his head, tucking his hair back like she used to as a kid. Ivan barely noticed himself leaning into the touch.

"This is stupid." It was Natalia, her voice like ice as her hand clenched the fabric covering Ivan. He had the desperate need to reach out and take it, but his arms remained lifeless at his sides. "I could help you, I can _fix _you, you don't need to be here…"

That was a lie, all three of them knew it, even her. That didn't mean Natalia couldn't drown herself in denial. It was Katyushka who spoke up first after the period of silence that followed the youngest's words. "He's not broken, Natie. He just needs some guidance is all."

Her voice cracked on the last words, and Ivan could feel the guilt settle over him like a thick blanket, one of which weighed a literal ton.

Natalia directed her chilling look towards her sister, jaw clenched shut and refusing to say anything more. And so the silence that had followed them everywhere made its presence known again, suffocating them as they waited for the men to come back with someone who could explain just what would happen to Ivan.

Thankfully, they came back sooner than later, bringing with them a short woman with a tiny smile on her face, seemingly ignoring the way dread hung around the room.

Ivan hated her already.

"Hello there," she spoke, her voice quiet and small, suiting her perfectly. Her eyes, however, were anything but small, huge and innocent looking. It was as if she wasn't running a hospital for screw ups. "My name is Lili Zwingli, the owner, nice to meet you. You are Ivan Braginsky and his sisters, I presume?"

She was talking to him, looking straight at him from his pace on the gurney, but he didn't reply. He hadn't spoken to his sisters, he wouldn't grant a stranger like her to hear him either.

Luckily, Kayushka piped in before Lili asked anything more. "Yes, we are. Did the hospital call you and fill you in on everything?" It was amazing, really, how she was even speaking at all. Ivan had only know his older sister as a crybaby, a weak link who ran from every sign of confrontation. Guess it took a knife to finally cut away some of her fear and instill a new one into her.

Lili nodded, hands held together in front of the dress she was wearing as she took a few steps forward. "Yes, they did. It's such a shame, really. But rest assured, he'll be safe here with us. Our goal is to ensure that every patient that leaves here will be allowed to live their own happy ending."

_That explains the name_, Ivan thought as the paramedics from before came back, shooing his sisters as they started unstrapping him from the gurney. _It seems like everything here in America really is about lies. There is no way anyone here could have a happy ending. Those are only in fairy tales. I do not deserve one, just let me go so I could leave, so that I could get away, finally die in _peace…

The paramedics helped him off the gurney, much to his and Natalia's displeasure, and they left the small group as Katyushka continued speaking with Lili. "Oh, that's perfect! I am sure he will be fine here, so what do we need to do?" She was crying again, lip trembling as the tears created new tracks to cover up the old ones. Ivan knew that version of her; he'd only seen it a few times before. This was her breaking inside, desperate and needy, much more than usual. Ivan could feel nothing but pity for her in that moment, and it only gave birth to the awful emotion of self-hatred.

"Well, first I'm going to need you all to come with me to fill out the necessary paperwork, then we'll discuss all the rules that comes with staying here. Ivan?" He glanced up, not even realizing his head was down. Lili was staring at him, the intensity of her green eyes boring into his very soul, so Ivan looked at a painting behind her. It was easier to stare at the smooth flowers than the harshness that truly made up her irises. "I do hope that you'll see just how caring we could be here. Believe me, you'll leave here a different person."

_I would rather leave in a body bag, _Ivan thought bitterly, feeling the need to pick at the bandage that covered it neck. It felt as though it were softly choking him, and although the feeling was welcome before, now it was just a nuisance. He wanted to rip it off, to properly choke himself with it instead of the damn thing teasing him, the promise of a sweet release so close yet so far.

Ivan felt his hand twitch, the urge to scratch at his neck growing, but he forced it away. His sisters were still here, he couldn't do it. Not now, not when they were watching him, almost as if they were expecting something, they were all looking at him, all of them, so many eyes pointed at him, his neck, oh _god please stop staring __**now-**_

"Vanka, are you alright? Can you hear us?" Katyusha's voice broke through to him, a soft hand barely touching his arm. He twitched again, wanting to hit it away, but resisted, opting to just shrug it away.

Taking a deep and painful breath, he nodded curtly. "Fine, just fine." A lie. "I just need to sit down." Another lie. What he needed was an exacto knife and a private room, and he couldn't have those without being restrained. "Please, carry on."

What he got in return was more glances (_stop staring at me, my neck, __**stop it**_) before Lili got their attention with a quick clearing of her throat. "Anyway, if you would just follow me, I'll take you to my office and sort out all that is needed."

Katyushka went straight after Lili, leaving Natalia and Ivan to bring up the rear. With a slim hand, Natalia grabbed her brother's slowly, tugging it softly. It was the only gentle thing about her. "Come, brother. We do not want them waiting," she said, her accent the thickest of them all. Ivan looked between her expression and their hands, face blank as he removed his hand from her own. It was a simple enough action, one that shouldn't have been seen as anything more than rude, but to Natalia, it was only comparable to the worst feeling one will ever feel.

Standing for a fraction of a second more, Natalia turned and followed after the two that had already left, tense and fists clenched. Ivan was stoic all the same, head pointed straight as he walked after them, slow and steady.

He didn't want to be here, among the flower paintings and green eyes, where there would be nothing but suffering from here on out. Ivan didn't want to take medication, to go to therapy, to tell someone how he felt. All he wanted was to walk out of the building and find the biggest tree he could and hang himself for everyone to see. To show everyone just what happens when stick and stones don't do their job.

But as he walked into the small office that held his sisters and the owner, Ivan was reminded of the tear tracks, the way Natalia bounced her leg and wrung her hands in her lap, the slight shaking that Katyushka didn't acknowledge. There was an open seat in front of the desk, but there was also an open door behind him…

He took the seat, staring at the painting behind Lili. Just once. Just this once he would choose life over death, if only for his sisters and their happiness. It would only be a few days, three at the max the doctor had told him. Ivan would get through this, make everyone happy and believe he was fine, go home, and finish what he started.

No matter what, Ivan would finally be free from this world and be onto whatever was on the other side by the end of the month. He'd suffered far too long and for what? A future filled with mocking and laughing from everyone due to the scars?

The first time was a failure, and Ivan would be sure to go through with it the next.

* * *

It was morning now, if the light and noises were anything to go by. Ivan groaned softly as he opened his eyes and was nearly blinded by the fixture planted almost directly over his bed. Throwing an arm over his face to block out anything that dared reach his eyes, Ivan laid in bed for a few more moments, listening intently to the world around him.

There was the recognizable hiss of a shower or two, along with muffled voices all throughout the hallway. Along with those two, he could just barely hear a constant thump, as if someone was hitting the wall. All in all, it was too much activity for Ivan, whose life before this consisted of him sitting at home and doing absolutely nothing but planning for the fateful day.

What good that had been.

Sighing, he moved his arm and blinked away the sleep in his eyes, sneering at the offending light and wishing he could take it out. Ivan flung the blanket he had off of himself, sitting on the edge of the bed.

It was more like a cot, really. An annoyingly bright blue color underneath the white sheets he was given upon being assigned the room. His gaze traveled towards his attire, consisting of the hospital gowns he arrived in. Not even his scarf could be granted to him; something like that could have the ability to choke someone. It was just one of the many rules Lili had told him about yesterday.

That also meant he couldn't have his boots (the laces could be used for the same reason), pencils with erasers (able to burn skin if used right), or any type of makeup (not that he used it). It was a strict ruling, one where you could be punished if found with any of the objects they had banned, and Lili had made sure that it was known.

Sighing again, Ivan glanced to the other bed in the room, which was messy despite the rule about cleaning it every morning. Just from the appearance of the other's little space, Ivan could tell he wouldn't like him.

It was scattered with pictures and posters, smiling faces in every frame and photo. Sports were generally the theme with the posters, but Ivan spotted a few darker ones. In terms of color that is; he couldn't tell what they were from where he was sitting, but he could see a few masses of blues and blacks and purples.

Grimacing at the clothes all thrown haphazardly around the area, Ivan got up and looked towards his own space, finding it to have nothing more than a bag full of his stuff and an unmade bed. No photos, no smiles, no unintelligible blobs of color, and that was just how he'd like to keep it. This was temporary, only for a few days until he could finally be deemed _normal_ and leave. Getting comfortable would be useless.

Grabbing new clothes from his bag, because he was definitely not walking around in a hospital gown, Ivan walked to the open door and found a towel draped over the top of it. _Must not want them closed… _he thought to himself, rolling his eyes as he walked out the door only to be met with even more blue, but this one was much more interesting than the ones on the walls of the room.

This blue was better than anything he'd ever seen, belonging to the eyes of a teen just like him, maybe younger. However, the amazing blue of his eyes was only the first of many traits to the walking model that somehow found his way into a psych ward. Granted, he was wearing a too-big sweatshirt and pajama bottoms, but that didn't matter. He was the most perfect human being Ivan had ever laid eyes on, and it was only ruined when he opened his mouth.

"Whoa, dude, watch out! I almost mistook you for a brick wall there! Haha, nah, I'm just joking, but seriously, you really are huge! My name's Alfred, by the way. Alfred F. Jones! Don't ask what the F means, even _I _don't know. Besides that, you coming from that room right there? Cause if you are, then awesome, because that means you'll be rooming with the greatest hero to ever walk the earth!"

He wouldn't shut up, even when Ivan didn't respond. His voice was something he'd only heard in nightmares; all American on every level, right down to how he swung his arms around as he spoke. Ivan almost feared for his life as one hand came a little too close to his face. His hopes for finally meeting a perfect human being were crushed and he no longer wanted to be anywhere near the other - _Alfred, _he reminded himself - or his voice.

"When I woke up, you were still sleeping the day away, so hurry up and get ready! We have Community soon, so we need to be in the group room before the monitors catch ya' hanging around," Alfred warned with a light tone, and for the briefest of moments, Ivan saw his eyes flick to the bandage still around his neck.

Ivan's breath caught in his throat as the smile seemingly permanent on Alfred's face faltered a bit, going by almost unnoticed. Suddenly, like a crashing wave, his mind went on overdrive, even as Alfred kept talking.

_He knows, he knows and now he's going to mention it and laugh and po__**int he's going to know, stop talking, stop looking at me, stoP IT STOP STOP STOP-!**_

He blinked rapidly, finding a hand waving in front of his face and concern in those big blue eyes just beyond. "Hey man, you okay? Did I trigger you or something, cause if so, I'm totally sorry. Why don't I show you to the bathroom, maybe get you some water?" Alfred honestly sounded like he cared about Ivan…

He was a good liar. Almost as good as himself.

"I am fine, now if you would just move out of my way…" he muttered, hand flexing and relaxing with the burning feeling and need to just rip his bandages off yet again. Biting at his lip, Ivan waited for Alfred to move, but when he didn't, his hand now twitched because of his ever-growing want to strangle the teen in front of him.

Smile now strained, Alfred just sighed, arm moving to pat Ivan on the shoulder but stopping. "Ah, um… So yeah, Community is just down the hall through the double doors. Get there by nine and the monitors won't be on your ass." With a final smile, albeit forced, Alfred turned and left to quickly walk down the hall.

Now frowning, Ivan waited until Alfred disappeared from his vision before finally easing up a bit. There were more people than he initially thought in the hallways, a whole crowd of sleepy looking teenagers gathered around the place where the hallways met. Being caught up in that group wasn't something Ivan was excited for, so it was with a big sigh that he went back in his room and moved the door a bit to cover the area where he would change.

This plan to make his sisters happy one more time before he died wasn't going a perfectly as he thought.

_Just a few more days, _he thought while quickly stripping out of the hospital gowns. _A few more days and I could finally be happy myself…_

* * *

**Vanka*:** I have a Russian friend (she's super awesome by the way) who helps with my translations and nicknames and such. She explained to me that while Vanya is more for use by lovers, Vanka is a more probable nickname for family members. That's at least what she told me, and since she actually speaks the language, I'm getting all my knowledge from her.


End file.
